Can't Sleep

It's 2:00 am and I can't sleep. I don't know why. My roommate is not here, and I'm up thinking. I watched United 93 tonight and my mind is wrapping around it. It was one of the most difficult movies I've ever watched, but I'm surprised how cathartic it is, and not simply about September 11. I was also very touched by how well the film was made. Paul Greengrass is a very talented director (and I suppose writer with this film, even though most of the dialogue was created in rehearsals with he actors) and he coaxes a painful realism from the proceedings throughout the entire film. It is really a movie that I would say everyone needs to see at least once, if not for anything but a moving story of true-life heroics. 

It is interesting to watch my evolution as a person. The last few months have been very hectic for me. I tell myself frequently that "I'm going to write, I'm going to write," but I never do. Not even something as simple as a blog. But I wish I could have documented more of my thought-process in the last few months. Returning from France I was so sure I knew exactly what I wanted and how to get it. But it never goes as planned. I was also sure that I knew exactly what I didn't want. Again, things never go as planned. And now I'm here. 8 months in America and I'm a different person than I was. I'm far more reserved than I used to be, and far calmer. I do not experience the same level of stress that I used to inflict upon myself. I am calmer and I am more relaxed about life. Maybe that is why it is so glaringly different when I descend into moments of panic or anxiety . . . But they quickly subside and I find myself again tranquil. I am more comfortable with my creative identity and am more confident in expressing it in the midst of many who do not think the same way as I do. I am far less dependent upon others' opinions of me. I have difficulty with extroversion in social gatherings and am often crippled with fear in certain social situations. I am completely blank in my mind in regards to my future, but fully confident that it is alright, that with time my path will be laid out before me, and that I will have no problem recognizing it. I have a complete and utter abhorrence to the thought of mediocrity in myself. I am far stronger and far more capable than I have ever previously given myself credit for.

Stream of consciousness . . . oi gevalt, where does it lead? Here, apparently. It's now 2:17. I still have no ability in my body to sleep. I can feel it, I know myself, and I'm not ready for sleep. My mind is still too awake.  I was able to see my family last weekend. I hope I'm able to fully express to all of them how much they mean to me. Living 3 hours away is not that bad, but I wish I could see them more often. I wonder how it will be if I go someplace even further away to finish my bachelor's. Or for Grad school. I never thought I would say something similar to what I'm about to: But I love school. I want to learn as much as I can for the rest of my life. Ok, so maybe I don't love school, but I love learning. Sometimes I have difficulty learning here, I have a hard time in classes having to focus my "learning" into one prescribed method. I can't wrap my mind around it. But as I take my own time and read as much as I can about everything that interests me, I adore it. I just finished a book called Blink which was so interesting. It spoke on our thought processes and our ability to make decisions. It was so intriguing to dive into a specific theory of how our mind cognitively analyses its information. Before that I read a wonderful study of America by Mark Hertsgaard called The Eagle's Shadow. The election was a period of mass study for me, especially trying to shove a year-and-a-half's worth of missed campaigning into the past 8 months to understand this election. 

Does it frustrate anyone else that to read decent and fair news about America you have to go to gaurdian.uk or bbc.com? I've been growing weary of it. Especially with the fact that a while ago, maybe a little more than 3 or 4 weeks, America raided Syria - the first time we've crossed the Iraqi border into that country - killing 8 people and the American media has made nearly NO mention of it. NPR is the only news source I've heard covering it at all, and from what I found, it was scant. But the major news sources in America have ignored this story. I don't understand it. I've gone to other country's websites to get our news. I read stories in the British magazine The Economist. But here? I can hardly find anything. I don't get it.

All in all, life is good. It's a supposed halt for me as I take my studies seriously. At times this does not feel like a real life to me. I feel like time has paused and I'm allowed to just learn as much as I can, which would be wonderful if it were true. The true pause seems to have happened during my time in France. It honestly feels as if it should still be 2006 for me. I was over in France as the world went forward in time and I didn't even realize it at all. 

Alright, I'm not going to bed, but I'm stopping this blog this evening. I think I've rambled enough for one entry. I will probably be surprised and maybe even slightly horrified come morning when I realize what I've written.